Friday, March 23, 2018

The gift of taking a Color of the Environment

I lost myself very early, in fact, I barely remember myself being myself, un-edited by the environment, unless there was no people in it.  I felt myself only when I was alone, running in a filed, sitting by the river, observing ants and other critters, making dolls from flowers in the yard, following the design on the woolen rug on the wall over my bed.  When I was with people, I always would take a role.  I want to clarify this, I did’t know that I was doing it, I simply would take a role unconsciously, the one that would suite the situation, the one that felt the most safe, the least conflicting.  

This unconscious behavior of wearing a role I picked up somewhere very early in the environment that did not allow me to be me.  So I agreed to be anything else that would keep me safe.  Later in life I would often feel that I am living someone else life, or I wasn’t really me, something always felt uncomfortable. I was trying to ease the pain of being completely lost of who I am with a spiritual search.  Light search with occasional meditation or yoga class didn’t really ease the pain, so I went all the way into sitting long retreats, years of injuries into the nature of the mind, dramatic transformations, experiences of complete annihilation of the self, revelations, ascensions, and all kinds of ions…only to stop, only to drop all that seeking and striving.  It never worked to try to find a better version of me, the more comfortable for others version of me, and later, the more elevated version of me, or even enlightened version of me. Suddenly I arrived to this bare transparency that I am.  I saw that it is a gift I carry, the gift of taking a color of the environment, soak it in, take on a certain character, a certain role that would take care of the human thing, as we can’t really operate formless in the world of the form.  

No thing changed really, suddenly the characters, roles, masks were seen in its entire truth.  The freedom came from the clarity, the freedom of wearing a role with inner knowing.  Not a random role that mind would suddenly pull out from it’s roll-o-deck of available roles in a certain situation, but the one I would consciously pull out from it as the most suited to play in the moment.  More often though I would prefer not to wear a role, but just exist the environment.  I started to notice how I wear the role, how feelings, sensations, behavior that comes with a role resonates or not, do I enjoy to be that at the moment, is there element of playfulness in it, or I am uncomfortable in that role.

I am almost 50.  I am tired from random clothes, sometimes I make analogy with wearing dress that does not fit anymore.  My clothes were always tight, and I perceived them as me, constantly trying to change and improve myself.  What a freedom just to take off that outdated dress, that misfitted cardigan, belt that needed another hole not to dig into the sides of my waste, that clown hat, or “I don’t know” hat, or “I am not sure who I am” hat, and all sorts of hats that mind will readily plop on my head as soon as another human steps into the space.  Mind has the best 
roll-o-deck deck of the roles, and the biggest closet of outfits.  It surely thought it was doing a great job by offering me a role in a split second and dressing the character in a complete set of feelings, sensations, type of thinking, certain behavior before the eye even could blink once.  No wonder I was lost, never really encountered myself without an outfit, always dressed up.  Tightly bundled up. In a hat of "I don't know myself" that slid a bit from the forehead, but just enough to cover the eyes to keep me blind to the predicament. 

By myself, alone at home, when the mind would leave me just be, I would cry out of confusion, and delve even more into spiritual seeking trying to understand what is wrong with me, how I can change, improve, how to fit in, how to be accepted, and surely as much as I tried to sort the closet, rearrange it, even update the closet with more spiritual outfits, nothing worked.  Until I clearly saw the mechanism of the mind, simple and innocent mechanism of offering the roles, based on the library of experiences. It was formed some long time ago in order to survive in the world of social environment which does not recognize the uniqueness of a free spirit that has been born not to be attached for too long to be anything in particular. It came here to take in the color of the environment and mirror it back through a human form, but it immediately was given a stuck-for-life role, the run-of-the-mill version: the silent one, the obedient, all around good girl with a big white bow in her hair that was tightly weaved into it in the beginning of each day

from the book I am writing on integration of awakening 

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Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Already Home

In Soviet Union we had a custom to put wool rugs on walls, though in USA where I live they usually get on a floor.  Russians covered walls with rugs in a living room, nailed rugs and tapestries over the bed or a couch.  As a little girl I used to spend hours laying in my bed following the design of the rug, making elaborate twists and turns with the stems and leaves of the flowers or lines of the abstract designs that were mostly always symmetrical and had a meeting point in the center of the rug.  My inquisitive mind didn’t have a space to express itself in the family I was growing up in.  My parents made it clear that when adults speak among themselves children should be silent, better off, invisible.  This is how I remember it. I learnt well to be invisible and silent.  So my mind would find other ways to express itself.  And when it did freely, I felt truly home. Anytime mind observed the environment, I felt home.  I have a very observant mind, I learnt the mechanisms how it works and what environment is the best for it to work properly.  It took struggles, suffering, turmoil, pain and most of all, seeking the way out of it, to come to the place where it feels home at any moment.  My journey of seeking home resembles following the design on the wall rug, loosing myself in that design, trying to complete my journey from where I started to the center, making believe that I am traveling with the colors and lines closer and closer to my destination, while in reality I was laying on a bed, already home.

I found a link that explain the tradition of rugs on the walls:History of the unconditional love of slavs and rugs on the walls

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Tuesday, February 13, 2018

I gave up to fit in

There is a beauty in a variety of expressions, and it comes from different places, I just heard someone said their authentic voice comes from the heart. I will tell you what I noticed when I sit dow to write: the words flow effortlessly from the space I don’t have control of.  The immediacy of the expression always startles me and delights me afterwords.  It is pure insight, and English language, though it is not my first language, is able to pick it up and give it a form. I don’t think, ponder, or dwell on what I am writing, I am typing as I am receiving.  If I read it 2 years later, sometimes I won’t even recall or recognize my own voice, because it didn’t come from the speaking throat or typing fingers. What I know for sure that I can’t think my way to write, I don’t easily have an access to the language, the attempt to write from thinking usually stops after the first sentence.  So I know if I wrote and if I posted something, regardless of the length, the thinking was not a part of it. If you ask me to explain something later pertaining the writing, which I sometimes get on Facebook where I post periodically, I often not able to do it.  The insight was right for the moment it was written, and it completes itself when I finished.  Now, if you ask me about what I wrote, I might have different insight for you, please do not be surprised that the two are not connected.  Well, they always are, but we often don’t see the connection. I will try to structure and connect it for you, but I might not be able at that very moment, please forgive me, I am not dismissing your question, I am not disrespectful, and not not paying attention, I am just simply being myself, we all are different and we operate differently.  

I gave up to fit in, and even not belonging does not evoke tears anymore.  I am neither this or that, the usual algorithm we use to make sense of others and their expression and behaviors.  Can you please give me more space besides just allowing me to be within the binary codes of 0 or 1. Awake or Not awake. Spiritual or Not spiritual. Teacher or Student. Writer or a Dilettante. I promise you, if you allow me to be now as I am, I will be the truest version of myself.  And so you too will see, and feel, and be the unique embodiment of the space itself.

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Tuesday, January 2, 2018

What gift you are here to give to the world?

What you came here for? What you are here to give to the world? Behind the crust of accumulated responsibilities and various stories of who you are, there is this alive energy that expresses itself from the early years to the days we die. The energy is the authentic gift you are caring here in this lifetime. But we never tough to recognize it and clear it from the context of our storyline. The energy that gives this body/mind a momentum to live. The very authenticity of your being.

In me, it is exploration, understanding how things work, and sharing with others. This energy is not something I have to try to make it, it is an unceasing flow. It is not "mine", rather it uses this organism to express itself.  If I look at my life, I can see this energy in action since early childhood, then school, teen years, and on, and on. It took different costumes, roles to express itself, but in the essence it is always was the same wish to explore, understand how it works, and share.

When you recognize the authentic energy in you, it is a big deal. Then you are looking in something very true, not conditioned, not pretense. Then you notice how this authentic energy expressed in you, through what kind of context. I explore, research and share anything, from the best rice cooker I find to the explorations in consciousness, both of these vehicles and many others are absolutely valid for the energy that here to express and share. I am standing on the stage in front of thousand people, or I am sharing here for a hundred, or sometimes a few, this does not really matter, for this authenticity is expressed through different ways. This what makes me also feel fulfilled and well utilized.

Maybe you will be curious to look at your life, and peel this unique authentic energy out of various circumstances, professions, ways you had a chance to express, ways you express it now, and see it right in the face what it is really, the very essence of the gift you carry in this lifetime. Please share your authenticity, your aliveness that expresses itself through the life as you 

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Saturday, December 30, 2017

Coming to a New Year ... 2018

2018 will be a year of further disillusionment. If you still hold on to some strong concepts about what you know and who you are, start to drop them now. Anything beneficial will not be lost, anything limiting will start to crack down. The more you hold on, the more painful disillusionment will be. The problem is that we do not really know to what we hold on. If we hold on tight, then it becomes us, and we have no clarity about it at all. Though if there is deep identification, strong attachment, there is always always some deep un-satisfaction and un-ease. One way to recognize limitations is to be utterly honest with oneself and pay attention to this deep seated un-satisfaction. This is a red flag for some hidden attachment and limiting beliefs. Start to notice this feeling of un-satisfaction and un-ease, start to almost circle it with your attention, coming closer, inviting it come closer too. Befriend this nagging feeling, don't shut it off with useful and useless activities. Let it come fully and start to tell you why it is there. And you listen attentively, with compassion, with open heart. This will suddenly strip you naked. This is exactly how it feels when you first time open to something that was always there, but true meaning of it was hidden behind the barricade of concepts. This is totally individual process, and no one, no one will know exactly what you are going through, only you. Don't rely on anyone, just trust the alchemical process of your courage, your honesty, and your attention. If no one in the world (which probably won't happen anyways) won't accept, support and understand you, there will be you who totally and completely know the extent of the deep healing that just happened. And this will be absolutely enough. Life will re-construct itself anew around you.

Happy New Years, my friends! I wish you wonderful and healing year!

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Saturday, December 2, 2017

Healing the past. Clarity stages

From my own experiences of healing the past, I came to this outline of the main mind states.
  These are some of the possible mind states on the way to clarity in yourself in regards to some events in the past. You might be in the beginning, or might be in the later stages from this list, they are usually present for those who were engaged in some spiritual practices for long time. In any case, if you have any unresolved situation in the past, you can find where you are and what else is available to the mind to open to.  

Mind state "Victimhood"

When you remember details of the situation, people involved, emotions that were present, when you correlate what happened with who said what and what happened action-vise.  You have strong opinion who is right and who is wrong.  Main emotions you experience are: depression, anger, revenge, blame, shame

Mind state "Pain"

When you remember the general feeling of the situation and you remember people involved in it, but you do not really remember details or the conversations, you need to focus to recall when you asked about them, you don’t want to think about the past, the remembrance of it brings pain and mixed feelings

Mind state "Wonder"

When you remember the movement of energies and you do remember people involved, but you see them as a part of the collective energy movement, without a trace of personalities, regardless how strong impacting  the actions were at the time of the situation

Mind state "Appreciation"

When you remember the situation, and understand it's meaning, and you see it from total gratitude and feeling of a big gift that was given

Mind sate "Equanimity"

When you see the illusory nature of the situation, and people involved, and energies at play. The meaning fades, the timeframe does not exist, and what there left for you to abide in is the translucency of being

Mind state "Joy" 

As translucency you are free to focus into the character who rejoice in the living and breathing one more moment again, and has no judgment 

Mind state "Simplicity and humility"

You dive into the character without fear to be lost in it, without seeking any particular mind state, without preference for any special state of mind, living this very moment as is

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Monday, November 6, 2017

Clearing the conceptual Awakening

Once I saw a bird caught in the pile of plastic, a mix of tangled fishing lines and plastic bags. She couldn't move, it was tied around her neck. It took me long time to crawl to her so she won't fear me and try to bite the line close to her neck, so at least she could go away from the heavy pile. Through my tears and her friking out I was trying to bite on that cut resistant line, since I didn't have a knife with me. I was very close to her eyes and she was to mine, since I was trying to bite off the line as much close to her neck as possible. These experiences help cure cognitive dissonance, nihilistic tendencies "it's all happening and nothing to do" that sometimes develop right after experiencing the void of consciousness. Some of us feel a little removed, a little less involved. At that moment on the beach with a strangled bird I wasn't really thinking much, my heartbeat synchronized with hers for me to crawl and come to her neck so close. One moment like this override the useless nihilistic concepts for good, clearing any dissonance that is created by such concepts. Non-duality is not holding on to concepts, but it does happen in the partial assimilation when the opening of the mind goes ahead of actually living it. We can see it all over: throwing concepts around, arguing. So the cure is only to live life fully and be open to all the experiences that life presents, for this purpose Internet and Facebook groups are the worst place to integrate mind opening properly...

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Thursday, October 19, 2017

Healing my primary relationship

After couple of years of inquiry into my relationships, mind was ready to let go the programs that were keeping old dynamics in place. I felt more and more freedom and clarity, it was gradual clearing that led me to a circumstance where the propensity of the mind to choose certain partners in life fell off completely, giving space to more holistic relationship.  I will tell you about it here, it will illustrate the dance life dances, and how innocent our character is in all it’s unconscious choices. 

It was a similar day like any other gorgeous days here in Big Sur.  Beautiful surroundings where the mountains with lush vegetation meet the ocean, and the nature is so full and vibrant, everyone feel magic in the air.  Here this word you say and hear very often.  This is the land of ancient indian tribes, ancestors were choosing well the land to live on, and plenty was available.  The joy for the eyes and ears, the most fertile land with fresh source of water, shielded by the mountains and with access to the ocean for fishing, surely was a great choice!  This land still till this time hold it’s beauty and magic.  This is where I met him.

It was already several years into after a series of awakening experiences that started a landfall of changes in my life.  From having a regular life of a middle aged woman in New York city I found myself  across the country, in the community called Esalen, working in the kitchen and living in the small room in a trailer, it had sort of a hippy or a college feel.  Every day I would walk to my work at 5am in the morning through the forest in a fog, as in a fairytale.

Awakening like an inner revolution, and you really never know where life will take you after.  It maybe the same town, family, same job, or you will be taken for a ride across the world, meet people you need to meet, and find work that serves the living for the time being.  This is how I ended up in Esalen in Big Sur, I was 43.

As we change dramatically at the event of awakening or enlightenment experience,  and the years following, the way we relate to others and our relationships change dramatically too.  As we expand through the experiences of awaking, our choices of relationships also expand.  Relationships mirror our state of the mind, it is extension of our own mind, and as the mind transforms, the outer circumstances and relationships we are engaged, transform as well. We leave behind the relationships that does not support the new way of being, and we come across people who match us in the freedom and truth. 

This period of unstable and changing relationships can be very uncomfortable, can evoke fears coming from feeling unknown, insecure, vulnerable.  This is very good ground for continuing inquiry into self image that is constantly created, and especially in relations.  We can’t heal the relationships that does not work anymore, but we can heal our mind, showing him again and again how he creates identities, how he tries to run old programs, tries to engage us in the old dynamics. 

I was coming back from work at nigh, and as I pulled in my car to a driveway suddenly I had to stop abruptly. An animal jumped right in front of my car. And then another.  The first one probably was a deer, I only saw his legs and hooves in the windshield, and seems like I saved his life, because the second one, after he jumped over the hood of my car, stopped on the side of the road.  He turned his head toward me and in the bright headlights I saw the mountain lion staring at me.  I never had an encounter with a big wild animal before, besides seeing them in a zoo.  I didn’t even know what it was, it was big and it was looking at me.  For a second or two our eyes met, I felt as he was making sure I really look in his eyes, then he took his eyes off me and disappeared into the darkness of the surrounding bushes.  The wild, wise eyes, piercing into mine, this is what was with me the days that followed.  “Strong medicine” I was told by locals here.  A month later I met him, the Native American Indian man who crossed my path like a mountain lion in sudden, raw, healing encounter. 

It was late afternoon and I was ready to go to a dinner, I opened a door and stepped outside my room.  There was a man there doing some work on the other rooms in this housing complex, I never saw him there before.  He looked at me, and our eyes met for a second or too, he turned his head away and disappeared into one of the rooms. There was rawness in his eyes I knew already.  “Danger”, I said to myself.

When I was a little girl I learnt to be afraid of passion.  My mom and stepfather were passionate in their relationship, complete with jealousy and laud fights.  I was about 6.  They were young, just married, and as most other Russian people, they liked parties and vodka.  Every time they would go to a party, I knew that when they come back, they will fight, and I was scared.  I would hide kitchen knives, crawl under the blanket, and freeze in fear.  One day I remember making a pledge to myself that I never live like my parents.  This translated in the brain of a little girl into a program that would not allow her to fall in love with any man who was handsome, raw and passionate, somewhat like my stepfather was, who’s ancestors were Kazaki - the courageous warriors, the freedom people of Tzar’s Russia.

From that moment of making this unconscious decision as a little girl, my life took a certain course.  All my friends, and later my boyfriends, husbands were “safe”.  They were mostly gentle, intellectual type.  These relationships mostly were great friendships, based on communication and security.  Of cause occasionally I would meet a man who would draw my attention and my being like a magnet, but one look in his direction would be enough warning to send the immediate signal in the brain to execute the protection program that was already set.  I would run, I would not engage, and if I do, the program would make sure to break this interest in the most of a week or two.

And this time was no different, the old program was still there, full force. I got into my car and left.  As I was driving I saw the magic of this land right in front of my eyes: a double rainbow right above the road.  The sight of it was so magnificent it took my attention for a second from confusion in my head from the encounter.  I stopped and got out of the car.  I was standing on the side of the road looking up at the double rainbow in the bright pink sunset sky, in awe.  Suddenly a beat-up white van also pulled in,  the man came out from it and came toward me: “Magical sight”, he said, “May I hug you?”, and he did before my mind turned on back again with it’s own suggestions.  I have to say here, since all my life I ran away from these kind of encounters, that hug felt like something I never felt. It felt real.  It felt life-giving. It felt safe.  “Lift me!”, I don’t know what made me say that, I wasn't really thinking, it blurbed itself out, but he didn’t hesitate and I was floating high in the air in a split second.  My body was held tight and secure in the big arms of a strong man.  I never experienced this feeling again in life after being held as a baby in my mother’s arms, or as a child, held by my father on his shoulders.  I was stunned by the feeling of freedom and safety at the same time.  He held me for a long time.  My mind would tell: “This is enough”, “He is probably tired”, “I am too heavy”, and I would try to wiggle my body down.  He would hold even stronger.  He didn’t say a word, and me too, it was as our systems were synchronizing: mine was fighting and giving up, and his was affirming, and at the end the realness took over the old pledge of the 6 years old girl.  The mind got free.
HEALING happened. 

from my book I am writing "Buddha on a Bull", Chapter 10 "Relationships. Healing Old dynamics"

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Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Conforming tendencies of the character + awakening experience = nut house !

Suppressive, conforming tendencies of the character + awakening experience = nut house 

Yes, it is that serious.   And some of you who know it already, will appreciate I verbalized it !

This is why conforming character + awakening experience = nut house: 
Conforming, suppression, compromising are the contraction of energy.
Awakening experience evoke full expansion of energy.
It is unresolvable inner conflict.  You can't un-do awakening, and contraction can't sustain itself in the presence of expansion.  The longer this goes, more intense tag of war between energies, and one day it might blow up as an erupting volcano of psychiatric episode or serious illness.

Post awakening in the conforming character leads to deep depression, hiding, wanting to end life, wanting life to end...this is as much fire inside as it gets, suppressed! 

Anyone who used to conform, compromise all their life to partners, family, society, to anyone who has confidence, authority, or whoever it happens in your is important that you carefully read this.
These tendencies of the character will not magically disappear, this is major shadow work that has to be done.

First, you have to honestly see that you conform.
Second, you have to get tired from doing it unconsciously.

Third, you decide to observe the conforming behavior.

Fourth, you say, scream, yell NO to it! 

Fifth, you keep observing and engage in the conforming character more consciously in a situations that you can't be authentic yet.  The more you see the conforming role of the character, the more clarity of who you are and what you are living in the moment will be, the more courage and strength will accumulate for the final release.

Six, this is alchemical work of the spirit itself, we can't calculate how to release conforming role, it may happen in confrontation with your parents, partner, boss, anyone with whom you kept the role going.  Suddenly you got enough of wearing it and you take if off.  

The other party will probably not understand what is going on.  They used to you in a role, they will keep addressing you as you are in a role, they would be totally confused by your metamorphosis, they will try to undermine it in different ways, just to put you back in your usual conforming role, they will not believe that what you were before were not you, they will not accept your new face, they might shut all the doors on you... everything and all of it together -worth it.  The freedom that comes from authenticity that was covered by a conforming role is that freedom you are looking for!  

The energy release from letting go of conforming role is absolutely freeing and fully support the authenticity, creativity, wellbeing.  The release can be immediate, in parts, or overtime.   After release of the role you can be fully alined with who you are, beyond sporadic moments of recognition, you are awake in life, effortlessly, there is no internal conflict, the roles in life are more holistic and beneficial to wellbeing and clarity of the mind.  

You are awake and you are free.  You experience peace in your being and renewed joy from meeting life. This is trade off for loosing those who were with you because they were attracted to you as the role, not authentic you.  But now you will meet new ones, those who will support you naturally, because they simply like your true face. 

At the end I say that expecting understanding what actually happened to you, is asking for too much from those who only want to see your old role as you. Leave them alone. It's already shocking enough for them to have their idea of you be shuttered, or even a little questioned. Have a compassion and understanding that it is also not easy for them to let go of their idea of you. It may change one day, and you may meet in the authenticity, and it might be very healing experience for both of you.

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Sunday, September 17, 2017

We are here to explore humanness

After we realize we are not at all the characters
we thought we were,
the stories we thought were our life,
the body we associated with so dearly...
After we realize all we see is not outside,
the others we thought were separate, are not,
after we realize all that in the experience of Awakening,
we are here to explore humanness,
the uniqueness and vulnerabilities of the character,
relations, love and compassion.
It is no less fascinating journey to find and play
your own unique note
that can only be heard
by resonance.

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Monday, September 11, 2017

We return to simply be available

What comes from a fully and throughly lived wisdom in the middle of the ordinary life, relations, dealing with circumstances, is humbleness acquired through compassion to ourselves. We rise and fall so many times: we see the truth, and we fall into identification with the roles we play, we remember who we are when “life flows as a sweet song”, and we sometimes forget when “life comes as a ton of bricks". Living life’s vicissitudes, we shed all the traces of superiority and arrogance in every aspect of our being. We go through all the stages of the mind clarity, we can talk to anyone on their own level of understanding, always seeing the light of their being. We return to the marketplace with all the humbleness we learnt on the way, with deep compassion to human ways. We return to simply be available, if life asks us to help someone through our presence, our work, creative expression, simple advice, or guidance.

We start to live from the heart of our being, where our unique authentic expression reside. Mind gives a way to Being. If before responses to life’s events and circumstances were mostly given to us by the mind, now these responses come from the being, they are raw, unedited by the mind’s stories and unaltered in their expression. We become beautiful, like every little child is, un
compromised, true and spontaneous. 

From "Authentic living" chapter of the book on Integration of Awakening I am writing...

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Thursday, August 31, 2017

Integration of Awakening: Personality Conflicts. Untying family/ancestral energetics

Personality Conflicts. Untying family/ancestral energetics

As consciousness projects itself into a form, now energetics of this projected plane start to take place, where human mind get’s a center stage.  It get’s conditioned by the certain environment it interacts with, and the particular orientation of the human life is formed out of this interaction.  Researchers of consciousness field, like Stanislav Grof, whom I met at Esalen Institute, spent over 60 years in the field of psychiatry/psychoanalysis and studies of altered states of consciousness, talks that mind hold impressions, what we call mind conditioning, even before childhood, at birth, and even before the birth.  This conditioning that already present in a brain at birth, bring together all the necessary events, circumstances and people to confirm and reinforce itself through the lifetime.  This default conditioning that creates certain direction in life may be called life scenario, and based on it the decisions will be made in life, the directions of actions will be chosen.  Just like in a movie the character acts and behaves in accordance with the storyline of the movie. 

In a very early childhood we are constantly adjust in a circumstances to ease our discomfort. In a life of a little baby, going through the birth process, or a child in the early years of life discomfort of the spirit means contraction of it in some form of unconscious belief that will take over for the rest of our life. If at the moment of discomfort the little one found a solution, to hide under the table, for example, and we felt relief, we felt a little bit more safe, immediately certain neurological passages were created in the brain matter.  This complex matrix of neurological responses that is set for life will be activated in a brain in all similar circumstances, the neurons will fire in the same grooves that were cut in a brain an early years, playing the same scenario over and over again.

People change, circumstances, events are different, but if we look closer, we might notice the same theme, same scenario plays out.  Even though people are completely different, but we find ourselves behave and react in a similar manner with them.  We change jobs and partners only to find ourselves again and again in a similar relational dynamics in a similar mind state.

Executing the same old conditioned response unconsciously done by our brain, as if a developer would create a computer program to perform some task, and computer will just run the program, reading from the same code every time this program is called by the computer system.  If the program said: “Close all applications, if the application X is running”, as soon as computer execute application X, it also  will close all open applications that were running previously.  Computer simply execute the program written by developer.  I presented this example just to show how simple the programing is, and how not easy to really see it when one’s own life is involved. Programs are firing in the brain in a high complexity, and we sort of doomed by living it in an unconscious way.  Basically we become a matrix of these conditioned responses from the depth of the very early childhood contractions in the mind, or even ancestral contractions inherited through the genes.
It was believed that neurological passages developed in an early childhood made for a lifetime, we all heard saying “You can’t teach an old dog a new trick”, but research in the brain science field in the last decade confirmed what meditative practices knew long ago, that brain change absolutely possible in any stage of life. We know now that it is possible for neurons create new passages, abandon an old ones, and start firing through the new grooves.  This is called neuroplasticity of the brain, the possibility of change of the old behaviors, old conditioning, and corresponding life scenarios.  The science now agree with spiritual methods of un-doing mind programming which based primarily on awareness, mindfulness practices.

Awakening to pure awareness usually does not magically fix interpersonal relationships and certain dynamics, but it can clearly point to the faulty mind conditioning, and with time and intention of full liberation we might clear these default unconscious believes.  This is why awakening is only a beginning of a very complex un-doing of the mind’s conditioning. The first years of this process often very intense and involve a lot of life circumstances and living structures changes.  As the programs are seen one by one as an automatic response to something that is not even exist in the present moment, they let go of it’s grip.

And for some of us years after awakening we may encounter a wave of what mystics called the dark night of the soul: as closer we get to the depth of the spirit, the truth of being, the more discomfort we might feel.  This discomfort arise out of the conflict between who we are as limitless pure awareness and the programing that runs the show as us which is extremely limited, executing the same life scenario.  Feeling of the great discomfort is not in any way a regression!  This is a new spiral in shedding all that does not belong to the being we are.

Awakening is a catalyst in this journey of a human spirit to come back to it’s original rest. This process invites us to open the heart fully and develop deep compassion to ourselves and our fellow brothers and sisters.  Great discomfort brings us to our knees, and therefore strips us from any idea of control, even very subtle. We are humbled by the majesty of life itself, we become truly a courageous and transparent instrument of life, as we are not blinded by ideas and any images of ourselves, and silenced by fears.  We become a wave, a constant movement that is not bound by previous experiences, previous beliefs, but a fresh movement at this very moment.

Very often un-doing old behaviors happens in the middle of life itself, in a social circumstance, in relations with people. We still secretly wish that spiritual methods that worked before to awake us, will continue to work to ease our discomfort we feel from a conflict of our personality.  We might continue to hold on to the methods that helped before, but now they become an obstacle on the way to full liberation.  Trungpa Rinpoche, Tibetan master of the mid 20th century, called it “spiritual materialism”, when one tries to escape conflicts of the personality by diving into meditation, energy practices, by using psychedelics, instead of looking into the conflict directly in the eye with bare honesty.

Here is the difficulty. Many teachers do not work with personality conflicts, some of them even deny it completely, as something not existent in the awakening perspective.  We all teach from our own experience.  Teaching about the truth of being, Dharma, is the same, but filtered through our individual experiences Dharma brought to the world differently.  The beauty of life is in the diversity, and in the spiritual guidance we also have limitless diversity.  I encourage everyone to use your own judgment what is most helpful for you to look into.  Trust your natural curiosity, and explore fully what draws your interest. If you notice that you simply react in the same old way, and you find yourself in the same situations over and over again, maybe you should explore this directly, instead of trying to mask the inner conflict with more meditation, more psychedelics, or continuing discussing consciousness in support groups just to avoid to look into behavioral issues.

Briefly I will tell you an example of the struggle I encountered in my own integration.  As deeper I went into the being, the more I felt the discomfort between the knowing of who I am and the situation in life that I was facing. For several years the conflict only escalated. I was living the scenario of suppression, in which in the certain circumstances the brain would run old programming, reinforcing old behavior of conforming to others.  I have to honestly say here, I had no idea what was going on, I only knew something was very uncomfortable, and since I am always curious in the mechanisms of mind’s creation, I looked in different ways.

I often say to people that your natural interest, curiosity to how things work, and awareness to discomfort is already enough.  The truth may be simple to uncover, or will take some time, but the indication that you are on a right path is your own honesty with yourself, almost as holding a flashlight and lighting your own way.  You will encounter many who will try to tell you that you are lost, not awakened, please keep flashlight of inner honesty on and move into direction of your curiosity.  Of cause, the path will not be straight, we do not know exactly what it will be, but the orienteer is always the same, it is your own conscience.

As far as I remember my own intention always was authenticity. It is almost as I always felt inauthenticity in my behavior.  This kept itself going even after awakening. The grip of scenario that I called: “Don’t be yourself” was very strong.  How it was developed in the early childhood, or before, this does not really matter.  What matter is that it became absolutely clear to me how this program runs itself now.  How mind, executing the old program, would create a role for me to participate in, unconsciously! The role with a package of feelings, sensations and thoughts, the complete holographic character that would take over. 

See, for the field of consciousness it is really doesn't matter what life scenario is playing out, just like the screen holds any movie, or a mirror holds any reflections. For pure awareness it doesn't really matter what role to animate. With awakening we expand to this very knowing, we see how mind create these roles and characters that we used to identify with, but now we can participate in them consciously. Mind itself, the tool for creating illusions, can become an ally, a tool in clear seeing, in exploring old mechanisms.  As soon as the flashlight of the awareness shines on the mind itself and it’s illusory creations, the old mechanisms and behaviors dissolves in that light.

I was in the middle of the social circumstances when the light of awareness illuminated the mind’s creation, and mind opened all it’s cards right there.  I will tell you, it wasn’t pretty, it is usually not.  It’s enough embarrassing to see our own inauthentic face when we are alone, but with others around it is absolutely painful and utterly confusing. This is why the mind will fool you with anything possible to keep the old story going.  It will explain to you in detail why you should keep the relationship that is not satisfactory, the job that you don’t like, old behaviors and addictions to continue, it will give you any options to put your attention on, and will keep you in line with the same story, scenario.

When mind consciously used as a tool to look into the emptiness of it’s own creations and it’s mechanisms, it is absolutely liberating experience. For some short time mind still was trying to explain what happened in a linear manner, just to fool me again, but the clarity that opened up and felt sense of liberty were stronger then the stories that mind kept presenting, at the end it capitulated and relaxed. 

With that capitulation the mountain of suppressive behaviors fell off.  Scenarios “don’t be yourself”, “be nice”, “don’t rase your head” that were  enrolling me in unconsciously, slowed down.  Almost like the movie ran out  of the tape, and eventually the movie with suppressed character in it stopped. The projector reloaded itself with a new movie. Life continued. The energy that was caught up in the suppression story was freed for creativity, joy, playfulness, even renewed zest for life, vitality.  Life freed itself for more creative living.

If you feel any resonance with what was said here, fear not.  Yes, you might loose people in your life who won’t be able to accept you without your conforming mask, or any other mask they rather have a relationship with, but not your true authentic face.  These relationships are based on projected images of each other, not true intimacy, and as you find your true face, everything not true will be left behind.  This will be almost as an indicator of a true relation, based on the intimate relation in the immediacy of the moment, or the relation based on the projected rigid constructed image of oneself and the other - the creation of the conceptual mind.  Different roles goes in pairs: domineering character needs conforming character, the victim role need a rescuer role, and vice versa, and there are no real winners in the movie.

How to even recognize that you are living unconscious old programming, certain life scenarios?  You can honestly ask yourself these questions:
“Am I happy with myself?” 
“Am I happy in my relationship with my partner?”
“ Am I happy with the work I am doing?”
“Am I completely open, true, intimate with: 
my partner, 
my close friends?”
“Am I at peace with myself?”
“Do I feel empowered?”
“Do I have any addictions I can’t let go of?”
and any question of this sort that is simply about your life now.

These are simple, but powerful questions.  We have a tendency to run away from simple questions about our life, mind will try to hide it’s own creations behind grand spiritual ideas, bigger identities it will re-create for you to believe in, it will hide it’s tricks, like a source code for the computer program is hidden from the user.  User clicks on the button, and computer perform many tasks at once that can look like magic. So is with the mind.  Mind creates elaborate illusions, and we believe in them, because we do not see the source code, and in the very beginning of each mind’s programs is a creation of the identity, an image of yourself. 

If you hold on to any idea of yourself,  judgment about someone else, any fear, LOOK at this very fact: to judge ourselves or others we have to first re-create an image of ourselves, recall some previous experiences, then and only then we can have judgment of someone else, or psychological fear of any kind.  At this very moment, without yourself as any image, any identity, there is only pure awareness.  Pure awareness does not have any judgments to life that is happening.  The conceptual mind does.

Please do not be discouraged by conceptual mind.  It’s only doing it’s usual responsibilities it knows: it run the programs that was given to it long, long time ago.  Can you see how innocent it is? Can you see how innocent you are in any of the roles?  Can you see that you do not need to try to be any different then you are?  Trying is always mind’s solution that is not liberating in nature, it is always deceiving and in the best, pacifying. It is not the mind which decides to change and shed the programing!  It is a human spirit, the flame of recognition of who we are, the awakening to the truth of our being.  Being itself will carry liberation forward, not conditioned mind.  The limited mind doesn't know what is needed for it’s freedom, the being does. Trust in that.  Trust that any circumstance, how small, big, important or unimportant, weird, crazy, ugly, and unexplainable - it is from the being itself.  We all know the abilities of the body to heal itself, it’s unmatched wisdom.  Can you see that being is in a constant primordial movement of harmonizing, and conceptual mind has very limited view what is needed in each and every moment for the limitless harmony?  Mind is an automatic processor that only knows programs it knows, and outside of that limited knowing, it knows nothing more. 

Did you ever hear “Go into directions of your fears?”  Did you ever thought about it, why it is even suggested? I bet you did, and me too.  Fears are like indicators where our mind doesn't want to go, because long ago it already made all the neurological passages necessary to run itself smoothly in the same illusory scenario.  So what is happening when psychological fear comes, the one that says: “Do not speak up. It is better to avoid.  It is  dangerous. Let me give you some excuse that will comfort you”?  You suck on that excuse like on a pacifier for a baby,  and neurons keep firing in the old grooves of avoidance.  The danger is gone, you feel better, the scenario got another shot of reinforcement. The character in the scenario got affirmed one more time. This is an addiction to be someone, addiction to the created old image, and we all know how strong addictions are.  Many of us struggle with various addiction through life, but the addiction to one’s own constantly created self image is the strongest of all, it is a true reason for any other addictions.  Our inability to clearly see this addiction, and therefore identify with the product of programming of our mind, is a source of suffering. 

Fears point to an unchartered territory, the space that is not classified by mind as safe.  The real dangers are very rare in the world now, but mind still gives us warnings if we only about to attempt to do something that is outside of the current programming.  This is why it is absolutely beneficial to turn our curiosity to fears. They are like a light in a dark tunnel we got in unconsciously, and made it our home. 

We can live all life with strongest personal conflicts, and not know it. We identify with the mind’s programmed character as us.  We never really look that it’s not really one character, but hundreds of them, not one I, but many different kinds.  We change them seamlessly, like clothes, and get used to this constant change. What make us notice this inauthenticity is an experience of complete authenticity.  Awakening, getting in touch with the being itself, pure awareness, is the beginning of uncovering our authentic face. 
If before we unconsciously and innocently assumed a certain role, a mask, after stepping into full authenticity of being, even once, we feel great discomfort in a role we used to wear without a problem.  At first we might not understand where this discomfort comes from.  This happened to me for several years.  Great discomfort and no clarity.  I tried to compensate for it in different ways, and surely these were the ways mind knew: retreat even more, learn even more. I immersed myself in studies of behavioral psychology, ancestral and family constellations, human design, and etc. only to come to realization of continuos compensation of conforming personality that was taking the main stage. I had to shed my own blinders, basically clearly see my life scenario that still was playing out the suppression that was formed in a very early childhood in an unsafe environment. Everyone has their own programming, and you will have your own way of recovering your authenticity, and certainly it is not express overnight delivery.

As consciousness projects different forms to interact with each other, it is a divine play, and every encounter, every circumstance is a right one at this very moment, the right one for all involved in this encounter.  The weaving of white, red and blue yarn creates a certain pattern where each of the yarn’s color is absolutely essential.  Same with circumstances.  Every detail in it is essential, every detail in it rightfully beneficial for everyone involved.  Every circumstance in our life is a projection of the mind state.  Can you see that by not caring around an image of yourself, and not re-creating it right now, you can see the circumstance as impartial?  Can you see that any judgment of the previous relational experience can only arise if we got an image of ourselves with all it’s attributes and memories re-created in the conceptual mind along with the resistance to the re-created image of the other?  We therefore missing this very moment of life where no judgments belong, only pure perception and responding to life from immediacy of the moment.  This is where true relation happens.

Mind becomes a very useful tool when it looks at itself.  In the middle of a situation the mind which would usually create a self image, suddenly would look at itself, the very image it created.  This moment, the very moment of mind uncovering it’s own truth of illusory creation, is a liberating moment.  Awakening the mind to it’s own creations is a very deep inner work that is done by Being itself.  These life-changing insights take birth in the love for truth and authenticity and can’t be fabricated or calculated by the mind.  Trust life and continue it’s own inquiries as they present themselves.  Use growth of compassion and humbleness and dissipation of life scenarios as a yardstick that you are walking the right path. Have a wondrous attitude toward life, find your most authentic way of living and facilitate the same for others. 

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Born in June 2011 out of inspiration to share how to end life long spiritual search, drop the observer, and return back to naturalness we are.

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