Monday, July 17, 2017

To be without explanations

Sometimes in life we have these very potent in their transformational quality, but intense, bizarre, unexplainable situations. Most of the times mind will try to analyze, explain, justify. Don’t listen, tell the mind it is ok for you to be without explanations. Then we also try to explain and justify for others to understand us. I will tell you, it never worked for me. The situation was created as a display of the deep mind conditioning. The details don't matter, but mind will try to pick some details and explain through them the whole situation. Never works. People get even more confused about you, and even more alienated from you. Just say it was a storm, a processing, an inner work, however you can name it, and that you leant a lot, and then leave it at that. Let them learn what they need to learn for themselves from the situation. This is more true and more compassionate to yourself and others.

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Sunday, July 16, 2017

Just do your work

The first dip into enlightenment, what we call awakening to our true nature, that experience is like starting chemical reaction. Without your participation it re-makes the whole being for years to come. At some point all the unprocessed emotions, attachments, identifications will come to the surface. This is very advanced stage on the path, don't be fooled by your ideas and anyone who expect you to be saintly. Those who done with this stage, see clearly where you are. They have much respect and compassion for your journey and offer unconditional acceptance. Those who don’t accept where you are at the moment, not ready for this work themselves yet, or cowardly. Leave those behind, let them be, and you be as you are. You know exactly what you are and what is your work at this moment. Just do your work.

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Monday, July 10, 2017

The Destructive nature of Awakening

With my brain re-wiring for many years after awakening (7 years in Sept 2017), my old life completely dissolved, there is nothing to hold on to for me anymore, everything from the past is gone, everything.  Every person, every environment from the past is gone.  I shed all I could, though it was not my choice.  

Given a choice, I would choose more gentle and kinder ways for myself, not stripping all to the bare bones. If you think you can control this process, I can assure you, it will be absolutely unexpected way unfolding for you every moment. We project how it should be and in what way.  It is an old thinking trying to secure the place in a journey forward with you, but it will be left behind anyways, you will be amazed how. All the suggestions from all the teachers in the world will not help you at that moment, you would have to face the destructive forces of the enlightenment by yourself, and there is no way to prepare for that.

 People will project on you all kinds of things: their ideas about you, where you stand, and what's going on, but it has nothing to do with you, and you will have to let go of that garbage too.  You would have to stand for your own way of being, in spite of their judgment, their own misunderstanding, that you at sensitive times will take as your own. You would have to drop that transference, and it will involve more judgment and more misunderstanding, but you will have to learn how not to listen to that, and continue to breathe. 

 There will be also body changes involved, sometimes sickness, misbalance, apathy, and you will have to ride with that too, you will learn complete humbleness.  You will be blind for sometimes where you are and where you are heading, and you will make steps in all kinds of directions, that will serve you well or not, but there is no way you can calculate the trajectory.  Sometimes it will seem like you went sideways, and there is no way out, but then you will find yourself breath with full lungs again. 

 You will see all kinds of writings about awakening and enlightenment, and they wont have to do anything with you at the moment you experiencing, please trust what you live, even if it looks like a total disaster, a crucifixion.  In trust you will get clues on your next move, even if it is only a slight move of going outside for a walk, or a fleeting insight descending as a lightning into your being. Even the slightest move changes the world we are completely.  Every moment is a birth of that world.  May we completely die each moment without a doubt, and be reborn in a next one a little closer to the majesty we are.  

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Friday, July 7, 2017

When Two Come Together Physically

When two come together physically in complete 
authentic intimacy, 
they arrive in the space of no thought, 
a space of total loss of the identity, 
the space of the beginning of it all, 
the peristalsis of being, where the world churns itself and
projects the lovers into existence.
Disappearing in that space every so often, 
even for a moment, 
facilitates the opening to an authenticity in a daily life. 

When one tasted and recognized completeness of one’s being, 
if they contract into the role in a life circumstance, 
they will feel inauthenticity in them in relationships 
with themselves and others. 
Noticing will be immediate.  
The role will be dropped on a dime, 
or one would decide to exit the circumstances, 
since being authentic might not be possible at the moment 
due to their own conditioned beliefs 
that are still in the mind, 
but inauthentic relationships 
are not an option anymore. 

Living in the world we constantly wear a role, 
some of them feels more natural, 
some more coarse and uncomfortable then the others,
some are more holistic, some more detrimental.
Even “an authentic being” is still a role, a character, 
though the least possible contrived character 
that consciousness got to wear 
to participate in the world.

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Friday, June 9, 2017

Wabi Sabi - Practicing The Beauty of Imperfection

Recording a video yesterday,  I suddenly started to talk about borsht - a beet soup from my country of birth.  Talking about it made me so joyful and light!  I felt first time how I actually enjoy my hardcore Russian accent!  25 years in this country, and my accent is still perfect! :) 

Someone asked me once: "How long you are in USA?", probably thinking: "She just arrived".  When I said: "25 years in New York City", instead of judgment that I expected, they got so impressed and exclaimed:  "How did you manage to preserve such a great accent!?" This really put me at ease, and I said: "I tried really hard!" 

I always were shy about my English, and my accent, and my Russian now, believe me, not better too! For some reason I am given this challenge in life: to be a writer, a speaker, a storyteller in my being, and having this imperfect tool to use! 

My friend reminded me today about an old Japanese art form -  Wabi Sabi - the way to embrace impermanence of this world and see the beauty of imperfection.  How wonderfully this applies to my verbal expression, how much more warmth it brings to my heart when I smile, remembering talking about borsht, and posting it to the whole world without fear!  I used to have fear of being ridiculed, rejected, not accepted, judged.  When I immigrated to USA from Russia, I used to feel dumb and not smart enough, even though I had an Engineering degree, only because I couldn't express myself in the clarity and precision my being always demanded from me.  

So today I am practicing  Wabi Sabi - seeing the beauty in imperfection.  It feels natural to love playful me. It feels very compassionate and generous.  It feels life-giving. I encourage anyone who still feel shy about anything in themselves that feels less then enough, drop that idea, and instead see the beauty of the uniqueness that is only you.  

Only you are with that birthmark on the cheek. Only you are with that special crackling voice.  Only you are without that tooth, and that one too.  Only you are with that accent that makes everyone smile and listen.  Only you have those interesting body proportions.  Only you got that life experience.  Only you can sing as you sing.  Only you can write as you write. Only you can love as you love.  Isn't it beautiful to be you?!  Let's practice Wabi Sabi and celebrate the uniqueness in each of us <3

The video I mention in this article is here: 
Elena's YouTube video on borsht :)

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Thursday, June 8, 2017

Life As a Teacher?

We hear so many times: "Life as a teacher".  
What does it really mean?
Why then we read books, listen to teachers in search for answers?

When we believe we are separate beings: 
here is me and there is the world,
then we believe that things happen To us, and we seek advice 
how to fix what is happening to us and around us.

If we are awake to Life,
we know "that over there" is a part of us.
We do not need to seek advice outside from our own perception.
The perfect teaching is right in front of us, including us.

We just learn to read the "Book of Life"
where words are perceived objects, people, characters,
and the sentences are circumstances, environment, relations.

We learn to read our own story,
which is exact representation of the mind state in the moment.
Have a question? That question is a part of the story,
and it will be answered. Just ask and be ready.

Have a worthy question, kick back, and SEE.
The answer is right in front of your eyes, don't miss it.
Abandon conceptual thought, even for a moment,
and SEE.

This answer will include full sensory experience at first,
keep looking. 
Have another question: 
"Who is the one who see"?

3D glasses might drop suddenly,
t h e   w h o l e 
w o r l d 
at once.

The End of Your Story.

The YouTube version here: Life As a Teacher narrated by Elena

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Thursday, June 1, 2017

A Little Closer To Who You Are

I know my life is different from yours, the storyline, the movie, we all have different stories to live and tell here. 

Beautiful intricate stories, they all based on certain scenarios written by gods...just kidding.. I don't know really, I can speculate and present you very logical and believable version of what scenario is and how it was developed.  

Some of us so much in their roles, it is so seamless, "What you are talking about?! Thats totally me, and thats who I am!" Besides that all is a holographic image, and we are not even people we think we are, and the world we think we live in does not even exist, hahaha, besides that, even the roles we assume may be far from the most fitting, they are familiar and habitual, but they are foreign just as any dress on the body is not really a skin. 

What we do when we notice we are in an old role that doesn't feel right anymore? We get out, we take the mask off, we reject any attempt to put that mask back on us and put us back in the script. We now see the script, we see the role, we see the mask. We are confronted by everybody to get back to it: put it on, get in, be just like we want you to be.  

Fuck that. Be free. Step out. Doesn't matter what they think, what they say, its all one play - do not forget that, in a way its a scenario testing itself if it can run its usual course, or if its time to end - *poof *.  

This is a good time to kick back and just chill, no step forward, no step back...stay where you are, inhale deeply and FEEL. And Just Be. Thats enough. Thats actually perfect. BE. Don't be somebody, someone, a role, a character...just name, no form, no reason. Just BE. Let life run its course. It will breath you. It will sustain you while you just BE. The role is finished. You can raise, breath, and start another one, little closer to who you are.

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Monday, May 1, 2017

Attention: Shit Train!

Did you ever hopped on a Shit Train?
You will know for sure if you have been there!
Remember, you woke up one day in a low mind state and you continued your day in the same state through all the different dealings and situations? You were on a Shit Train! 
Every sit on this train is a shit seat. You change carts, go from one situation to another,  
still it's the same train of negative thoughts, 
you are on the same train - 
Shit Train - 
Ta da! 
There is only one way out -  
is to exit shit train. 
The Shit Train 
like any hop-on hop-off sightseeing bus or train. There is no real destination, this train goes in a circle!  
As soon as you are on, you get to sightseeing the shit! 
One after the other. 
Don't get comfy.
Stop the train, 
even if it takes to press the emergency break 
or jump of the train by switching your attention 
to something that change the mind state.  
Do it as soon as you aware you are on, 
you got the ticket somewhere, 
and you are taken for a ride 
until you got enough of it, got it?
Can be a minute, or a day, or a lifetime....
Be aware where you sit and what you ride! 

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Sunday, April 30, 2017

Masks of Eternity

Eternity wears all kinds of masks: from anger to compassion. 
Mask of anger looks like a red tense face with fiery eyes, 
sharp sounds coming out of a wide open mouth... 
Mask of compassion has this porcelain quality of lucidity 
coming out from the face 
and shiny, penetrating eyes... 
Both of these masks, with all others
are on the wall of Eternity. 
Each used spontaneously, 
as a need arises.

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Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Mirage - something that appears real or possible but is not in fact so

We are fragmented.
What holds pieces together in space is tension.
If tensions is suddenly gone - we are too
But we have this illusionary idea of who we are
And when we hear we are gone, it means death to us.
We don’t want to hear anything really,
we just want to be fragmented as we are
and kept by tension, however it works - fine with us.
We just want to be alive.  
What if this is the greatest illusion of the humans
that we can actually die?
What we are so dearly holding onto is the illusion of “I”:
that "I" we see as a separate individual, and it has a name.
The brain holds the imaginary continuity of “me in time”.
The truth is we are alive no matter what.
We do not need to be in any particular way,
we do not need to have any particular name,
no any certain face.
We are alive because the miracle we are,
we are not the pieces - it is an illusion,
we are the space itself, the Being.
When tension that holds this illusion is gone,
we experience Oneness -the fullest experience of ourselves 
human beings are capable to know in this life.
We realize that we do not die. Ever. 
We never being born either.
The story or us will be written in a stone on a grave, 

but even that stone 
is a mirage.

Abstract Contemporary Art titled Humanity and Natures Gift by Todd Krasovetz

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Thursday, April 13, 2017

So you don't have fears?

So you don't have fears? Check if you live 
a sheltered life. 
Check if you step into unknown 
fairy often, 
or you keep everything at bay 
to feel safe.  
Check if you really push your boundaries, 
or you keep borders under control.  
Check if you are excited and inspired, 
or you go day by day with what you have, 
and you made yourself believe you are satisfied?  
Fears are natural response of the human mind to unknown. 
If you say you don't have fears, 
you didn't really check if your life has an inspiring challenge, 
enough to bring up fears to dance with you.  
In fact, if you shelter yourself, then you have fears of the fear, 
and you allow that fear to stop your exploration in life.  
Start exploring now, 
anything outside your comfort zone you have built, 
and exploring fears too: 
recognize them, 
talk to them, 
befriend them, 
smile at them. 
They are my companions. 
They make me feel I am in front of a mystery. 
They make me focus and sharpen the inquiry. 
They even warm me up by raising my body temperature! 😀  
Make one step forward, cross the safe line, 
and enjoy 
the companionship of the fear!

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Sunday, April 9, 2017

I find childhood brainwash very fascinating

I find childhood brainwash very fascinating. 
Its a hypnosis we carry through the life, lead by it 
in our choices. 
No amount of seeing selflessness will
eradicate brainwash, sorry to tell you guys, 
if you hope that awakening will fix your issues. 
But there are good news! 
Awakening will put you on the right track 
where you will be led to drop brainwash, 
come out of hypnosis. 
Awakening is coming out of the ultimate hypnosis, 
coming out of the illusion of being separate entity, 
an illusion of seeing yourself as a little human 
that runs around this world in suffering. 
Awakening acts as a catalyst to drop all the illusions, 
about you as a certain character too! 
Suddenly there is a courage and a curiosity to look 
where before was total wall of certainty and belief 
covering vulnerability and authenticity. 
Awakening will give permission to itself to drop 
everything untrue, 
and it can be your entire life structure that you built, 
the professional ladder you climb, 
things you thought you achieve and accomplished...
This all can start to fall, and it can be frightening. 
The only what I can suggest to you from my experience: 
it will be little easier on you if you be fascinated and curious with whatever happening, 
and keep trust, FAITH, that the hail does not fall from the sky forever! 😀

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Thursday, March 30, 2017

Stop Trying To Be Perfect

If you are waiting for “Perfect” to come and bestow itself on you,
please stop it now. 
Just write.
Just ride.
Just make.
Just do it.
Announce yourself available without being perfect. Now.
Translated to Russian,
“perfect” is идеально.
It comes from the root “idea” -
a thought, a suggestion, a concept, a mental impression,
an opinion, a belief.
What is perfect is a concept. 
What is real is unique.
“Uni” is “One”.
You are the only one unique YOU here.

The Universe culminates in YOU in a unique way.
Sing your own unique song.
Dance your own unique dance.
Teach your own unique understanding.
Make your own unique love.
Create your own unique work.
Ride your own unique wave.
Show your own unique face.
Speak your own unique words.
Live your own unique life.
Forget perfection and ideal.
Relentlessly follow your unique brilliance.
Even if it blinds those who strive for illusory perfection,
one day they will hear their own song,
and they recall yours,
and love it.

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Sunday, March 26, 2017

A Journey to Wholeness

So many times we abandon ourselves 
and conform to others in fear to loose their love.  
No wonder we have low self esteem, 
because our view of who we are 
and what we really want 
depends on others, 
on their attention and their love.  
We conform, 
shrink in, 
and abandon who we are, 
creating a hollow space in a heart that longs to be whole. 
We try to fill that space 
with other’s approval and attention. 
This can never be the same love we can give to ourselves. 
It is only a substitute, a surrogate, a thin film 
we cover the open hole in our heart with.  
It pops like a soap bubble as soon as we inhale 
in the next moment, 
leaving the wound open
and again. 
It can only be filled by authentic self-love, 
acceptance and appreciation 
from oneself to our 
own nature, 
our being, 
our unique character.  
Then we are whole again. 
We don’t ask for anything from outside of ourselves, 
we don’t have anything missing, 
we don’t chase anything to make us complete.  

Instead of constant reaching for approval and attention, 
love and appreciation from others,
we abide now in our own wholeness, and 
we offer this wholeness to others 
when we meet. 
This new way of meeting others in our wholeness 
is a true relation.

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Friday, March 24, 2017

Seeker on a Spiritual Path: Conquering Sexual Desire.

I am not a sex guru, but this article will be about sexuality and desire. I have written on this subject before, and here is a link to my article about my celibacy experience in a past:

Transformation of Sexual Energy and the value of Equanimity:

Today I am not celibate, and I learnt a great deal about sexuality through my own experience of consummation.  This subject rarely comes up in the “serious spiritual circles”, unless it is the part of spirituality that many see as “not serious”, the part where Goddesses, yonies and lingams reside. 

Many in “serious spiritual circles” actually confused about sexuality and sensuality completely. In nonduality there is a lot of disassociation and nihilism going on, and anything that involve the body may seeing as “non existent”. At times we almost disassociate with the human we are, and spend time in juggling non-dual concepts, especially in the first several years after awakening to no-self, until life in some way shake us back into the whole.

When I sat retreats in a Goenka Vipasana center, most of the time I would sit through pain and discomfort, or some neutrality, very rarely I would experience pleasure, though I read many years ago that Buddha sat through a lot of pain in his early years of more torturous meditation training, but later on he was mostly working with pleasure: pleasurable mind states. Through numerous retreats, working with aversion to discomfort and pain, boredom, doubt, and all kinds of variations of mind states, I was always wondering how it would be to be sitting with pleasure continuously, how it would be not to give in to an attachment to pleasurable sensations.

This experience came to me not through the meditation practice, but come to me by meeting a lover.  Life passed by with some men come into my life and go, but I never came across a lover.  I never exactly knew what is that mean, to be with a lover. I knew how to be with a man, how to experience high of the sexual arousing, but being with a lover turned to be something completely different. 

In Buddhism there is a concept of fetters, chains, that hold us to be reborn in this world, and one of them is desire. Desire for anything to acquire, this include the most strong desire - the desire for sexual pleasure.  Being a dedicated vipassana meditation practitioner, I was “conquering” this fetter in my practice. And no, I was not suppressing the desire, I was watching it, allowing the sensation of passion fill in my being without acting on it, letting it arise naturally and subside. It would come up very strongly at first, especially in my first couple of retreats, filling me up with much heat and almost burning sensations through the body, but as time went by, the passion stopped to arise, and sexuality went to zero.  I became celibate naturally. 

Years later I found myself in Ecuador, in a rainforest, taking an ayahuasca brew, and watching the rise of the passion fill in my being, as it never left, birthing myself as a Lover.

That night my body that resided in the sexless state as though it was forever permanent, transformed into the moving wave of the ocean and the heat of the sun with the speed of the falling star! I went into the feeling wholeheartedly, giving myself to the medicine fully. 

The next day I was in shock. I was shocked by the fullness of the desire that was suddenly present. I was shocked how many years I sat through myriad of feelings in complete equanimity, certain that the desire vanished from me without a trace. I was shocked how quickly and fully it came back. I was shocked how foolish I was, thinking of the absolute absence of the sexual desire, thinking that the fetter had been conquered!

Fast forward several years, the old marriage behind, couple of relationships behind, here he was - the one who looked into my eyes, and we both recognized something bigger then us, something bigger then just interest, something bigger then the current life: “I am here”.

Coming together with the Lover is not an ordinary event, it is a Ceremony.  It creates itself. No special knowledge is necessary, no special techniques needs to be learned.  It is a thoughtless state of merging.  It is limitless in time. It is as beautiful and as raw as the Universe itself.  In the ceremony the only thought that cross the mind is “I can die now”. The experience, the feeling of completeness is almost overwhelming by it’s totality.  I would be sure I am having an experience of a lifetime, only to find myself in the ceremony again and again with the same thought: “I can die now”, and the ascension of Completeness.

I thought many times why I am given this gift continuously. One of such encounter will satisfy for a lifetime. I don’t know the answer, but my mind likes to speculate, and it made a story that it is sort of a practice: the opportunity to develop equanimity with pleasurable sensations and mind states, though it is more effortless noticing, being-ness, then an active practice.

Just like working with pain we skillfully yield to sensations, we allow them to express without pushing them away, the same with pleasure, we allow it to raise without holding on to it.  Equanimity with any mind state, with any sensation, leads to liberation. The sensation, allowed to be expressed to it’s fullness, disappears, leaving us as the boundless, limitless Awareness. Here we ARE - liberated from the limited idea and limited feeling of who we are.  The state of pure Awareness is free from pain and pleasure, free from attachment and aversion, free from fetters, and free from concepts. We can know then who we are, and rest. 

Conquering sexual desire is somewhat useless activity, maybe it is more Buddhist term “conquering” that does not ring for me anymore.  As seekers we wired to do something.  So we do it, until we don’t. Until we rest, we can practice equanimity, practice relaxation, practice awareness, practice concentration, practice letting go, practice allowing - there are many ways we can DO, and they are all legit. The only caution I have for us is not to loose the clarity that what we DO will not bring us to what we ARE.  Dropping what we do is the only way how we arrive to an experience of what we are. It happens spontaneously, effortlessly, suddenly, without our conscious participation.  When it happens we learn that WHAT WE ARE is ALWAYS HERE.  The seeking and trying to conquer stops. We ARE ALREADY FREE.

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Born in June 2011 out of inspiration to share how to end life long spiritual search, drop the observer, and return back to naturalness we are.

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